The last few days have been filled with ambulances, emergency rooms, critical decisions, and an ocean of uncertainty and ambiguity, leaving me teetering on the fringe of a sound existence,
grappling with meaning and struggling for equilibrium.
It seems so unjust.
Why did she have to have a stroke? This family is staggering, wounded by recent death, cancer, and mental illness. What possible reasoning could be behind allowing this misfortune upon us?
I flail at Your abstractness as I desperately try to believe in You.
Why?
Is this a lesson?
Tough love?
How does my miserable, miniscule self, fit into this callous puzzle of human suffering?
These questions overpower me, shooting through my nerves, leaving me winded.
My aching eyes focus on my surroundings, rich in symbolism.
Christmas lights sparkle, illuminating the family photos, wedding and baptism pictures,
the ceramic Andean nativity, the spicy advent wreath, glistening silver and gold candles.
The stars hanging from the balcony softly brighten and fade behind the scintillatingly decorated tree. From the top beams the archangel, Gabriel, casting shadows on the roof.
What does it really mean to believe?
Is it possible that these blows unite us? Make us stronger? Push us to dive deeper into ourselves and our relationships with each other and with God? I am more appreciate than ever of the blessings that I have, my wonderful parents, loving husband, and healthy, vibrant daughters. These hardships have worn down my pride and expectations, my demands for what should occur. I can no longer ignore how very small and absolutely powerless I am in this magnificent universe. I am only a microscopic particle suspended in air, ebbing and flowing as God inhales and exhales.
I need to turn my helplessness towards Him and allow myself to sway with the strains of life. It is not in my control, nor should it be. I am resigning my illusion so that I may have peace. Lord act through this tiny particle and allow each of these minute struggles to be for greater good, for greater love, for You.
……. and please don’t let my amazing mother-in-law die!
Professions of a Paranoid Perfectionist 
So well said of the soul’s movements…
Wishing you happiness and hope this holiday season…
Thank you for your support!
A very moving post. I want to share with you a poem I wrote, just got the feeling it might have something to say:
Beloved
Forgive me
Take from me
This anger
This fear
This hatred of you
And the ‘lessons’
You’ve forced me into
Beloved
Forgive me
Take from me
This shame
This shattering weakening
Of all that I held
To be me and good
Which in testing
Has been found groundless
Beloved
Forgive me
Take from me
This fear
This disappointment
This judgment
Of this mess of a world
Which shines with such beauty
And yet oozes such suffering
I can barely stay
Beloved
Forgive me
Take from me
This belief
This desperate clinging
This stubborn independence
That says I need not you
If to be with you
So breaks my heart
And brings the pain
I’ve known
Beloved
Though I scream
Though I shake
Though I beg you
Let go
Yet hold me
Receive from me
My service
My faith
My love
And help me
To do nothing
Be nothing
Without you
For I am not
If you are not
And I would not
If you will it not
For I am yours…
Use me.
Beautiful- I understand and agree completely. Thank you for sharing.
know that in these moments not only are we bolstered by our faith, but by the loving support of friends. Some we see and some whos faces we will never know. But by those who only wish for us pure joy, moments of happiness, and strenght beyond all human expectations when the clouds are at their darkest. You any yours are in my prayes and my heart.
Thank you. I deeply appreciate your support.
Weep, searching soul,
And let the tears help nourish
The gentle roots
Of your fast-growing wisdom.
Then ask yourself
When all is still around you:
Why should she not go now?
For go she must, some time.
If it be, that her time has come
“To shake this mortal coil”
May she not go in peace?
Knowing that you know,
That those we love
Are part of us eternally,
For we remember them…..
Thank you for this moving poem.
It is true when the song writer said we are all just one phone call from our knees. I will keep your mother in law and your family in my prayers Godbless
Thank you for your prayers! My mother in law seems to be recovering quickly and we are all deeply thankful for this and hopeful that she will fully recover before Christmas!