The last few days have been filled with ambulances, emergency rooms, critical decisions, and an ocean of uncertainty and ambiguity, leaving me teetering on the fringe of a sound existence,
grappling with meaning and struggling for equilibrium.
It seems so unjust.
Why did she have to have a stroke? This family is staggering, wounded by recent death, cancer, and mental illness. What possible reasoning could be behind allowing this misfortune upon us?
I flail at Your abstractness as I desperately try to believe in You.
Is this a lesson?
How does my miserable, miniscule self, fit into this callous puzzle of human suffering?
These questions overpower me, shooting through my nerves, leaving me winded.
My aching eyes focus on my surroundings, rich in symbolism.
Christmas lights sparkle, illuminating the family photos, wedding and baptism pictures,
the ceramic Andean nativity, the spicy advent wreath, glistening silver and gold candles.
The stars hanging from the balcony softly brighten and fade behind the scintillatingly decorated tree. From the top beams the archangel, Gabriel, casting shadows on the roof.
What does it really mean to believe?
Is it possible that these blows unite us? Make us stronger? Push us to dive deeper into ourselves and our relationships with each other and with God? I am more appreciate than ever of the blessings that I have, my wonderful parents, loving husband, and healthy, vibrant daughters. These hardships have worn down my pride and expectations, my demands for what should occur. I can no longer ignore how very small and absolutely powerless I am in this magnificent universe. I am only a microscopic particle suspended in air, ebbing and flowing as God inhales and exhales.
I need to turn my helplessness towards Him and allow myself to sway with the strains of life. It is not in my control, nor should it be. I am resigning my illusion so that I may have peace. Lord act through this tiny particle and allow each of these minute struggles to be for greater good, for greater love, for You.
……. and please don’t let my amazing mother-in-law die!