A Reflection on Faith

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The last few days have been filled with ambulances, emergency rooms, critical decisions, and an ocean of uncertainty and ambiguity, leaving me teetering on the fringe of a sound existence,
grappling with meaning and struggling for equilibrium.

It seems so unjust.
Why did she have to have a stroke? This family is staggering, wounded by recent death, cancer, and mental illness. What possible reasoning could be behind allowing this misfortune upon us?
I flail at Your abstractness as I desperately try to believe in You.
Why?
Is this a lesson?
Tough love?
How does my miserable, miniscule self, fit into this callous puzzle of human suffering?
These questions overpower me, shooting through my nerves, leaving me winded.

My aching eyes focus on my surroundings, rich in symbolism.
Christmas lights sparkle, illuminating the family photos, wedding and baptism pictures,
the ceramic Andean nativity, the spicy advent wreath, glistening silver and gold candles.
The stars hanging from the balcony softly brighten and fade behind the scintillatingly decorated tree. From the top beams the archangel, Gabriel, casting shadows on the roof.

What does it really mean to believe?
Is it possible that these blows unite us? Make us stronger? Push us to dive deeper into ourselves and our relationships with each other and with God? I am more appreciate than ever of the blessings that I have, my wonderful parents, loving husband, and healthy, vibrant daughters. These hardships have worn down my pride and expectations, my demands for what should occur. I can no longer ignore how very small and absolutely powerless I am in this magnificent universe. I am only a microscopic particle suspended in air, ebbing and flowing as God inhales and exhales.

I need to turn my helplessness towards Him and allow myself to sway with the strains of life. It is not in my control, nor should it be. I am resigning my illusion so that I may have peace. Lord act through this tiny particle and allow each of these minute struggles to be for greater good, for greater love, for You.

……. and please don’t let my amazing mother-in-law die!

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10 responses »

  1. A very moving post. I want to share with you a poem I wrote, just got the feeling it might have something to say:

    Beloved
    Forgive me
    Take from me
    This anger
    This fear
    This hatred of you
    And the ‘lessons’
    You’ve forced me into

    Beloved
    Forgive me
    Take from me
    This shame
    This shattering weakening
    Of all that I held
    To be me and good
    Which in testing
    Has been found groundless

    Beloved
    Forgive me
    Take from me
    This fear
    This disappointment
    This judgment
    Of this mess of a world
    Which shines with such beauty
    And yet oozes such suffering
    I can barely stay

    Beloved
    Forgive me
    Take from me
    This belief
    This desperate clinging
    This stubborn independence
    That says I need not you
    If to be with you
    So breaks my heart
    And brings the pain
    I’ve known

    Beloved
    Though I scream
    Though I shake
    Though I beg you
    Let go
    Yet hold me
    Receive from me
    My service
    My faith
    My love
    And help me
    To do nothing
    Be nothing
    Without you

    For I am not
    If you are not
    And I would not
    If you will it not
    For I am yours…

    Use me.

  2. know that in these moments not only are we bolstered by our faith, but by the loving support of friends. Some we see and some whos faces we will never know. But by those who only wish for us pure joy, moments of happiness, and strenght beyond all human expectations when the clouds are at their darkest. You any yours are in my prayes and my heart.

  3. Weep, searching soul,
    And let the tears help nourish
    The gentle roots
    Of your fast-growing wisdom.

    Then ask yourself
    When all is still around you:
    Why should she not go now?
    For go she must, some time.

    If it be, that her time has come
    “To shake this mortal coil”
    May she not go in peace?

    Knowing that you know,
    That those we love
    Are part of us eternally,
    For we remember them…..

    • Thank you for your prayers! My mother in law seems to be recovering quickly and we are all deeply thankful for this and hopeful that she will fully recover before Christmas!

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