Monthly Archives: December 2012

Dealing with Sadness

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Christmas TreeMore than a week has gone by since my last post and I find myself in a drought of words. My sentiments have drooped a bit and I find that sadness has reinstalled itself in my chest like a bag of wet sand which I carry around during my daily routine. The worst part of it is that I am affecting those around me and I have lost perspective. I am reacting strongly and suddenly to my daughter’s misbehavior and I am losing my empathy towards my husband’s struggles, quickly judging his actions. I have receded into myself, and that is not right. I need to open up again, push through to the surface and let the sun shine on my face once again.

Today I began to take action to turn these murky feelings around. I woke up early and went running, did some yoga with my daughter, and I plan to attend a Christmas party in a shantytown on the outskirts of Lima this evening. I was thinking of not attending because of the group of five volunteers which we were last week, it seems that I will be going alone and I also have to find a babysitter. However, I decided that I will go because I do not want to fail the children, like the others. I am going to show that Christmas is about sharing and love. Even though my role is close to insignificant, I will be opening myself to change, to be changed. I cannot change the world, I cannot change the people around me, I can only change myself and my attitude towards the world. My sadness comes from my isolation, where my energy becomes stagnant and is not able to flow. I need to flow again; I need to give of myself; I need to be my beliefs. Leading by example is the most powerful type of leadership and this is the type of leader I want to be in my life. I want to speak less and act more, love more, so that I may be part of God’s positive force and let Him use me as a catalyst for change, first within myself, then in my family, my community, and then in the world. Help me do this, Lord, I need your Help more than ever.….

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Sea Saw

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Sea SawMy negative side tells me that I am precariously perched on one stilt,
after having two of my supports kicked from under me.
I am anxiously wobbling between fear and sadness,
alone with nowhere to grip for stability.

The tedious currents of life events have left me helpless and drifting,
doubting my future,
doubting my faith,
doubting myself.

I have nothing left to give and I only
take, take, take,
weighing those around me,
bringing them destruction and despair.

I cannot fill these shoes.
I am weak, insignificant, and incapable
of becoming this person
that I am being called to be….

My positive side tells me to
get up off this seat
to walk, skip, jump
and do it with my rickety feet.

It tells me there is a reason
for every adversity and affliction
opportunities to show who I am
that my strength is no fiction.

It’s my moment to convert
conviction into action
mobilize my empathy,
courage and compassion.

Though I didn’t choose this,
it’s all part of the Plan
This is how I act on my belief,
I have to give it all that I can.

And that’s worth cherishing,
for my abilities are only a gift.
I will use them for humanity
rising as I lift.

My gratitude and appreciation
to You I am expressing,
Lord help me to see these
challenges as a blessing.

A Reflection on Faith

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The last few days have been filled with ambulances, emergency rooms, critical decisions, and an ocean of uncertainty and ambiguity, leaving me teetering on the fringe of a sound existence,
grappling with meaning and struggling for equilibrium.

It seems so unjust.
Why did she have to have a stroke? This family is staggering, wounded by recent death, cancer, and mental illness. What possible reasoning could be behind allowing this misfortune upon us?
I flail at Your abstractness as I desperately try to believe in You.
Why?
Is this a lesson?
Tough love?
How does my miserable, miniscule self, fit into this callous puzzle of human suffering?
These questions overpower me, shooting through my nerves, leaving me winded.

My aching eyes focus on my surroundings, rich in symbolism.
Christmas lights sparkle, illuminating the family photos, wedding and baptism pictures,
the ceramic Andean nativity, the spicy advent wreath, glistening silver and gold candles.
The stars hanging from the balcony softly brighten and fade behind the scintillatingly decorated tree. From the top beams the archangel, Gabriel, casting shadows on the roof.

What does it really mean to believe?
Is it possible that these blows unite us? Make us stronger? Push us to dive deeper into ourselves and our relationships with each other and with God? I am more appreciate than ever of the blessings that I have, my wonderful parents, loving husband, and healthy, vibrant daughters. These hardships have worn down my pride and expectations, my demands for what should occur. I can no longer ignore how very small and absolutely powerless I am in this magnificent universe. I am only a microscopic particle suspended in air, ebbing and flowing as God inhales and exhales.

I need to turn my helplessness towards Him and allow myself to sway with the strains of life. It is not in my control, nor should it be. I am resigning my illusion so that I may have peace. Lord act through this tiny particle and allow each of these minute struggles to be for greater good, for greater love, for You.

……. and please don’t let my amazing mother-in-law die!