More than a week has gone by since my last post and I find myself in a drought of words. My sentiments have drooped a bit and I find that sadness has reinstalled itself in my chest like a bag of wet sand which I carry around during my daily routine. The worst part of it is that I am affecting those around me and I have lost perspective. I am reacting strongly and suddenly to my daughter’s misbehavior and I am losing my empathy towards my husband’s struggles, quickly judging his actions. I have receded into myself, and that is not right. I need to open up again, push through to the surface and let the sun shine on my face once again.
Today I began to take action to turn these murky feelings around. I woke up early and went running, did some yoga with my daughter, and I plan to attend a Christmas party in a shantytown on the outskirts of Lima this evening. I was thinking of not attending because of the group of five volunteers which we were last week, it seems that I will be going alone and I also have to find a babysitter. However, I decided that I will go because I do not want to fail the children, like the others. I am going to show that Christmas is about sharing and love. Even though my role is close to insignificant, I will be opening myself to change, to be changed. I cannot change the world, I cannot change the people around me, I can only change myself and my attitude towards the world. My sadness comes from my isolation, where my energy becomes stagnant and is not able to flow. I need to flow again; I need to give of myself; I need to be my beliefs. Leading by example is the most powerful type of leadership and this is the type of leader I want to be in my life. I want to speak less and act more, love more, so that I may be part of God’s positive force and let Him use me as a catalyst for change, first within myself, then in my family, my community, and then in the world. Help me do this, Lord, I need your Help more than ever.….